Is a Tool Bag Really Worth That Much?

No one can hear you scream in space, claims the 1979 movie Alien. So instead of screaming, astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper sarcastically whispered “Oh, great” when the tool bag she was in charge of floated out into the great unknown of outer space.

Maybe she was distracted. After all, the crew she belongs to is visiting the space station and serving as the guinea pig for a new invention that converts sweat and urine into drinking water. Which is why I never wanted to be an astronaut.

And you know the male astronauts are going to poke fun at her and smirk, saying things like, “If it’d been her curling iron, she’d have hung on to it.”

In the past, astronauts have “misplaced” such items as bolts, springs, washers, and a 14-inch spatula. How a spatula got outside the craft I don’t know. And why astronauts would have one beats me since anything you flip up in space probably won’t come back down.

Regardless, an uproar concerning the current floating tool bag has ensued. It contains two grease guns, a putty knife, cloth mitts, a large trash bag, and a small debris bag. And apparently the collective worth of these items including the bag is $100,000.

What? Somebody obviously didn’t clip coupons or check the sale inserts in the newspaper. I could haul in all that stuff in one trip to Big Lots for less than 15 bucks, tax included. For some perplexing reason, Uncle Sam shopped elsewhere.

My first thought is why the other astronauts couldn’t just tie a cord to Heidemarie’s ankle and let her float out there and retrieve the little varmit. Fine and decent Americans have done much stranger things than that for $100,000. And the bag will never make its way back to earth, according to an expert who stated: “Although we have not yet conducted a detailed reentry survivability analysis for the tool bag and its contents, it is highly likely that no components will reach the surface of the Earth.” (I think he was saying it’s going to burn up.)

My next thought is what all could be stowing away in the little bag. Maybe if it were opened, they would discover one of these items that might be worth $100,000:

1. Gold lining.
2. A check for the second place finisher on the reality TV show “Survivor.”
3. All those sealed government documents explaining the JFK assassination.
4. One of those Nestle’s 100 Grand chocolate bars that used to be called the Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar when I was growing up.
5. A stock purchased in 2007 for 10 million dollars.
6. A ten-second video of Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s baby.
7. All those sealed government documents explaining the UFOs in Area 52 of Roswell, New Mexico.
8. A piece of moon rock autographed by Neil Armstrong.
9. My family picture. (Okay, that’s only valuable to me, but you get the point.)

Alas, you should fear not, my fellow Americans. If you own a telescope or a pair of better than average binoculars, you can witness our little vagrant tool bag in the heavenly realm at it streaks through the evening sky. Or you can just watch it on YouTube. Either way, the experience is priceless. Though it’s costing us all $100,000.