Read My Lips: Taxes Are Here to Stay

It’s tax time. At least for those of us who put such things off until the last possible minute. Normally the Stroupes have it all wrapped up by Valentine’s Day. Not this year.

I don’t like tax time. I was less of a Math student and more of a Social Studies type in school. Numbers perplex me. Especially government tax-related numbers.

Here is what I know about income taxes. Some government dude thought up the whole income tax idea during the Civil War. “It’s only temporary due to this crisis,” he cried. And sensible government representatives listened.

Until World War I came along. So much for temporary revenue. The feds made income taxes permanent. And the states quickly followed suit.

I blame it all on the British. They started it with all those silly taxes they imposed in the 1700s that caused rebellious and revolting colonists in America to rebel and revolt. Taxes on sugar, tea, alcohol, tobacco, and playing cards infuriated Americans back then. Sin taxes, they called them. Don’t like the tax on alcohol and cards? Then don’t drink and gamble, advised the King.

Not that there aren’t some interesting taxes nowadays. In North Carolina, there is a tax on illegal drugs. If you purchase them, by law, you must report yourself and pay a tax to the government. Since 1990, seventy-nine citizens have actually volunteered to pay the tax. Honest but not very smart.

Professional athletes and entertainers often have to pay a “jock tax” when they perform in a city. And if we pay to watch them, we’re charged an extra “seat tax” to sit and holler for or at them. I’ll save a little money by bringing a lawn chair next time.

And in Arkansas, you’ll have to pay an extra “tattoo tax” if you choose to adorn your body with your girlfriend’s name or an image of a dragon spitting fire. I’m assuming wash-off images of Mickey Mouse that come from a cereal box are exempt from the tax. But who knows?

We also have to deal with death taxes- pay to live, pay to die- and sales taxes on everything we purchase. Stayed in a hotel lately? Add state tax, local tax, and “Mint on your pillow” tax to the advertised cost. In return, you are welcomed to take the soap, shampoo, and ink pens in your room. But leave the towels where they belong, please.

Add to that list inheritance tax, property tax, and Social Security tax. I certainly don’t mind paying the Social Security tax, as long as there’s some of it left if I survive long enough to retire.

In this political season, nearly every candidate claims he or she will lower taxes. A few elections ago, a candidate lost reelection when he broke his promise about taxes. “Read my lips- no new taxes.” Poor guy. It seems there’s always new taxes.

Now back to income taxes. Several Congressmen complained in the 1860s that the 1040 income tax form was too complicated. If they could only see us now. The IRS currently has 92 different forms today, none of which I clearly understand. This number doesn’t include state tax forms, which are equally confounding.

Fortunately for me, there is no tax on venting a little in a column. At least not yet.