Reading the Text without opening the book

Parents of yesteryear used to complain that we teenagers clogged up the home phone lines every night talking to our friends. And they had legitimate reason to complain. Like a lifeline thrown to an overboard sailor, communication among teens is a must in order to survive. So they say.

My generation kept the phone line busy. The current generation? Not so much. And sometimes I wish they would. It would keep me from having to deal with telemarketers. No, kids of today chat via the computer and on their little cellphones that take pictures.

But the thing they do most is text each other. Instead of simply dialing the number on the cellphone, they send little written messages that we, the parents, pay for. And they’re driving their English teachers batty because they absolutely can not spell a lick anymore.

Everything’s an abbreviation in the text world. There’s a morse code of sorts that only texters can decipher. Well, I have decided that as the supposed head of my household, I will do random spot checks of text message inboxes and outboxes to make sure my teen is on the up and up. And to do so, along the way I’ve had to learn a few abbreeves (I know it’s not a word but it fits the context of this column).

Check out these hypotheticals:

“R U crazy? IDK (I don’t know) what homework she gave out. I was ilegaly texting during class, U nut.”

“My parants think I’m in hear studying speling. LOL (Laughing out loud).”

“U almost hit watt? ST&D (Stop texting and drive).

“If u ask me, u should tel her 2 BIOYN (Blow it out your nose). LOL. That’s my .02 (Two cents worth).”

“BIOYN, u ACORN (A completely obsessive really nutty person). IDK u anymore. BTW (By the way), ST&D.”

“I actually like BN called ACORN. Y2K (You’re too kind- Not to be confused with Year 2000.)

“Well, nite. It’s 2 a.m. L8R (later), G2G (Gotta go).

Texters have a whole set of clues to let fellow texters know that adults are invading their privacy and expressing curiosity at inopportune moments. A few examples:

POS- Parent over Shoulder, AOS- Adult over shoulder, AITR- Adult in the Room and P911- Parent coming into room alert.

“Can’t talk. P911. Has no clue what I’m up 2. LOL. But still a PITA (Pain in the anatomy).”- And all along I thought Pita was bread.

A few of my random favorites:

YRYOCC- You’re running your own cuckoo clock.

SNERT- This one is tricky because it has word in it that might not be appropriate for G-rated audiences. I will describe it as mucous and let you guess the rest when I say it means a _____nosed egotistical rude teenager. (I’m not making this up. Look it up on the internet.)

And so, to honor the kids, I’ve made up a few abbreeves myself:

“Kids, get off the phone and GRTMBYAH (Go run two miles before your arteries harden).”

“Don’t like Mom and Dad making you pay the text bill each month? Then

PYBBPOADWI (Put your big boy pants on and deal with it.)”

So WWJD? Well, IDK but I think he might use the cell occasionally, but would prefer the personal touch. L8R. G2G. WOS (Wife over shoulder).