LIST OF WILL NOTS FOR 2008

This is a picture of me fulfilling a resolution from a previous year. It is the absolute most horrendous picture of me ever. I was freezing to death (check out red nose) and because my wife was asleep in our rental car (long story), I had to take the picture myself with the Eiffel Tower in the background. But I was there, by golly.

2007 is drawing its final breaths and once again, I am a year older and wiser. Armed with the lessons of the past year, I now present to you my resolutions for 2008, which is in reality a list of avoidances as opposed to intentions. In no particular order,

1. I will try as hard as possible not to use the word “knowed” in a conversational sentence. I will avoid saying something like “Now I remember, we used to go to school together. I knowed I knowed him from somewhere.”

2. I will not continue to watch a news channel for more than ten seconds once they pop up some breaking story about Britney Spears’ latest hairdo and/or her pregnant younger sister.

3. I will not use anabolic steroids or human growth hormones to enhance my baseball coaching and writing abilities. Yes I would be able to wave my arm faster while I was coaching third base and sending a runner home, but it would neither be fair nor legal to gain such an advantage. And maybe I could write a 2000 page novel while under the influence, but it wouldn’t be prudent and there are parts of my body that wouldn’t appreciate the sacrifices they would be asked to make.

4. I will not be a selfish water hog by allowing the faucet to run while I brush my teeth, especially during a prolonged drought. I will, however, continue to shower daily, sometimes twice.

5. I will not forget to put sunscreen on when I plunge into a sun-baked afternoon. First of all, I couldn’t get a tan even if I tried, and second, I’ve been warned by doctors that if I intend to continue to venture out in the daytime unprotected, I better have my life insurance policy up to date. (Slight exaggeration but not far off).

6. I will not utter the words “Don’t tase me, Bro,” even if Yale names it the top quote of the year like it did in 2007.

7. If the Lord is willing, I will not miss a game of the Legion Baseball Regionals and World Series this summer in Shelby. And my bosses shouldn’t mind- it’s a coach’s job to recruit. Only this time I don’t have to travel all over the world to do it. The world is coming to me. I can taste the homemade banana ice cream already.

8. No matter which amusement park I visit, I will not venture onto a ride that could potentially make me barf. Attractions such as the spinning Mad Tea Cups at Disney World and the Ring of Fire at the Fair will have to survive without me.

9. Having lost a former classmate this past year, I will not neglect to say “I love you” often and as the Spirit moves me, even if it’s another male and he threatens to punch me. And I will not lose touch with the rest of my classmates from high school, who have bonded again after all these years.

10. I will not forget to give praise to God, from Whom all blessings flow. And if I lose perspective of that fact, feel free to smack me around a little and set me straight again.