New Year's Resolutions Easier to Make Than Keep

New Year’s Resolutions. Easy to make. Hard to keep. I checked last year’s list and I went six for ten. My failures included: watching a news feature on Britney Spears for more than ten seconds; not putting on sunscreen every time I ventured out in sunlight; occasionally allowing the water to run while brushing my teeth; missing a couple games of the American Legion World Series and Regionals in Shelby. (I gave out a little after midnight during the game that lasted until 3:30 a.m.) Undaunted, I have decided to try again in 2009. Besides, 2008 was declared the Year of Planet Earth, the year of the potato, and the year of the frog. Russia started misbehaving again, Castro let his brother take over Cuba, and frozen water was discovered on Mars. Someone has declared 2009 the year of Natural Fibers. Boring stuff. 2009 needs my resolutions to liven it up a bit. Herewith, I now present my resolves for the coming year: 1. I will not foolishly view the sun with my naked eyes when the total solar eclipse occurs on July 22. I will, however, use my son’s welding helmet if: 1) I am assured by experts it is safe and 2) He lets me. 2. I will not change my hairstyle in an attempt to duplicate the goofy one sported by the embattled governor of Illinois. First, I would have to buy a wig of some sort and second, I can’t afford a wig the way the economy is right now. (And I won’t be his reelection campaign manager, either.) 3. I will make sure someone other than my nine-year-old son is watching if and when I make that bell ring at the Fair or carnival. You know, the one where you hit the square with a sledge hammer. I did it on the first try with J.T. watching but it took me until the sixteenth try to do it again. I had a nice crowd of onlookers for attempts three through fourteen, most of who were laughing at me, not with me. 4. No matter what victories the team I coach may achieve, I will not agree to shave my head, get a tattoo, grow a beard, shave my chest, get a Mohawk, pierce any part of my body, or grow a handlebar moustache. (The boys made a great run last year but fortunately, I had not agreed in advance to any sort of ludicrousness.) 5. I will not fall into the trap of overconfidence concerning the plummeting price of gasoline. Thus I will fix the flat tire on my bicycle and prepare it for battle in case those pesky Arabs start misbehaving again. 6. And finally, I will thank my Father above every day that I have a job. And I will try my best to go on at least one mission trip, though I don’t deserve the blessings it brings. And I will sing praises to God every chance I get, despite the fact I sound like a pig in heat when I attempt harmony of any sort. There you have it. Maybe this is the year I can keep them all. If all goes well I won’t go crazy and have to get a tattoo that says, “I’m wearing these glasses because I looked at the sun during an eclipse.”