Phantom Injuries and Vibrations

Recently a major league manager was accused of instructing his starting pitcher to fake an injury to give his relief pitcher more time to get properly warmed up in the bullpen. What makes it interesting is that the manager didn’t deny it. Anybody who has coached baseball for very long has employed the “phantom injury” strategy to stall. Act like you’re injured to buy some time. Develop a cramp, pretend like you got a crick in your neck, or get a bug in your eye. Football players develop phantom injuries to stop the clock or give a worn out defense a few seconds rest. Boxers fake phantom injuries when they’re getting the mess whooped out of them so someone will stop the fight without them having to quit. Humans have been known to smell phantom odors, coexist in phantom marriages, sleep through phantom dreams, and drive phantom cars. My phantom brain can neither understand nor comprehend any of these but nonetheless, they exist. A few months back, the bus transporting my college baseball team was involved in a sideswipe with a car. So minor was the impact that most of us, including the bus driver, had no idea anything had occurred. Long story short, the police came and made everyone on the bus provide their names and contact information. Within days all of us were getting letters from lawyers willing to represent us in our effort to turn our pain into financial gain. One player called them ambulance chasers. Others joked about suddenly developing whiplash or something- i.e. a phantom injury. It made me wonder how many people have been talked into developing phantom injuries that make all our insurance rates go up. I’ve always considered myself above all these phantoms. The “fake an injury” stall method is my least favorite as a coach. I prefer to send the catcher out to talk to the pitcher or go myself to talk to the umpire about his wife and family to buy some time. But alas, I have recently been stricken with a phantom. It involves a cellphone. For a while I thought I was going crazy. Then I surmised that it was because I was getting old and my aging body parts twitch when I don’t want them to at times. During the past few months, on several occasions, I have felt my cellphone vibrating in my pocket and reached to answer it only to discover that it was either A) not ringing or B) not in my pocket. A quick internet search revealed that I am not crazy, though it didn’t say anything about me not getting older. There’s even a support group for Phantom Vibrations on Facebook, which I will not join because I am in denial. One website claimed that I am experiencing “ringxiety” and that I need professional help to prevent me from obsessing on receiving a call I am secretly dreading. But I don’t think that’s quite it. Instead of getting professional help for my condition, I will continue to write phantom columns and pretend that I have a huge international following of weekly readers. And since I invent words from time to time, I shall henceforth refer to my condition as “Delusionary Phantomic Ramblings”. Weak yes, but it beats getting a bug in my eye.