WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- Even a Pain in the Rear Can Be a Blessing
If you've read any of my columns in the past, you already know a few things: 1) Our family has a Chocolate Lab/Plott Hound girl dog who loves everybody and everything except delivery men, vets, squirrels, and Jehovah's Witnesses 2) I have the unique ability to communicate with various sorts of animals by looking into their eyes and reading their minds.
Our dog is named Flash, and she recently celebrated her 8th birthday, which now makes her older than me in dog years- she's 56, I'm 54. I've been teasing her ever since by referring to her as “Old Lady”. Many of you (probably only one or two but who's counting) have asked why I haven't shared any updates lately concerning Flash, who is a beloved character among those of you who read my ramblings- delivery men and Jehovah's Witnesses notwithstanding.
In the past, Flash has experienced an untold variety of negative experiences at the veterinarian's office. So much so that we have had to occasionally switch back and forth between vets due to Flash's Wanted Dead or Alive poster being displayed on the bulletin boards within. Her most traumatic event occurred a few years ago when, after being given a shot and being poked in the rear end with some Star Wars-looking contraption, she chose to perform an anal expression right smack dab in the middle of the examination room. Not to be confused with a bowel movement, a dog's anal expression secretion is like no other thing on planet earth and is hard to describe or make comparisons to.
Incidentally, Flash's anal expression that day maneuvered its way into the floor's heat vent, slivering into the depths of the winding vent passageways. And also incidentally, it was a cold day and the heat was cranked up full blast, which means that within moments, Flash's “expression” aroma was being shared and distributed to everyone in the building. The doctor and her assistants immediately erupted into full blown panic mode while Flash majestically posed, unashamed and quite proud of herself, but not sure what the big deal was.
Once we were back in the car that day, I asked Flash why she had expressed herself in such a manner publicly. With her eyes (remember, I have a gift) she told me, “They got what they deserved what with all that poking and prodding of my private parts. Plus, they kept calling me 'he' and I am most certainly a 'she' despite y'all tricking me into getting fixed a few years back.”
So imagine our concern recently when Mom and I realized it was time to take Flash back to the vet for an update of her shots, immunizations, and humiliating bodily examinations. We chose a different “animal hospital” than the one where the infamous anal expression took place earlier, hoping they hadn't read the wanted posters from neighboring vets.
I'll spare you most of the details but I will tell you that Flash got poked and prodded once again. And like before, she was not a fan of it. Shots don't seem to bother dogs as much as they do humans, but when they pull out the Star Wars instrument necessary for the invasive fecal collecting procedure, that's a totally different ball of wax.
All in all, I thought Flash handled the “discomfort” of the rear end invasion quite well, all things considered. But when we got back in the truck, she exploded with pent up emotions. “How could you let them do that to me?” she cried out with her eyes.” It's painful, humiliating, and is probably illegal in most civilized countries.”
I let her vent for a few minutes, knowing she needed to get it off her furry chest. Then it was my turn. “First of all, old lady, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. You're not the first to have to deal with some pain in that general area. I had a colonoscopy last year. You want some of that? And let's don't even mention all those procedures your mom (my wife) has endured in her lifetime bein's how she's a female who has birthed three babies. Look, I know it hurt you, but it might just save your little canine life at some point.”
Sometimes pain is necessary. The Bible has much to say on the subject. Romans 8:18 reminds us that our present sufferings can't even begin to compare with the future glory that will be revealed in us. Hebrews 12:11 assures us that pain will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. Revelations 21:4 is a promise from God that our tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain. And Jesus himself in John 16:21 compares the pain of a woman giving birth and the joy she feels once the child is born to our pain and how it will turn to joy.
All of which is only partial consolation to poor Flash. All she knows at this point is that her rear end and her feelings are both hurt.
“Okay, I get it,” she says with her eyes, “but don't be surprised if the next time you and Mom drag me to one of those torture chambers, I decide to 'express' myself again”.
Our dog is named Flash, and she recently celebrated her 8th birthday, which now makes her older than me in dog years- she's 56, I'm 54. I've been teasing her ever since by referring to her as “Old Lady”. Many of you (probably only one or two but who's counting) have asked why I haven't shared any updates lately concerning Flash, who is a beloved character among those of you who read my ramblings- delivery men and Jehovah's Witnesses notwithstanding.
In the past, Flash has experienced an untold variety of negative experiences at the veterinarian's office. So much so that we have had to occasionally switch back and forth between vets due to Flash's Wanted Dead or Alive poster being displayed on the bulletin boards within. Her most traumatic event occurred a few years ago when, after being given a shot and being poked in the rear end with some Star Wars-looking contraption, she chose to perform an anal expression right smack dab in the middle of the examination room. Not to be confused with a bowel movement, a dog's anal expression secretion is like no other thing on planet earth and is hard to describe or make comparisons to.
Incidentally, Flash's anal expression that day maneuvered its way into the floor's heat vent, slivering into the depths of the winding vent passageways. And also incidentally, it was a cold day and the heat was cranked up full blast, which means that within moments, Flash's “expression” aroma was being shared and distributed to everyone in the building. The doctor and her assistants immediately erupted into full blown panic mode while Flash majestically posed, unashamed and quite proud of herself, but not sure what the big deal was.
Once we were back in the car that day, I asked Flash why she had expressed herself in such a manner publicly. With her eyes (remember, I have a gift) she told me, “They got what they deserved what with all that poking and prodding of my private parts. Plus, they kept calling me 'he' and I am most certainly a 'she' despite y'all tricking me into getting fixed a few years back.”
So imagine our concern recently when Mom and I realized it was time to take Flash back to the vet for an update of her shots, immunizations, and humiliating bodily examinations. We chose a different “animal hospital” than the one where the infamous anal expression took place earlier, hoping they hadn't read the wanted posters from neighboring vets.
I'll spare you most of the details but I will tell you that Flash got poked and prodded once again. And like before, she was not a fan of it. Shots don't seem to bother dogs as much as they do humans, but when they pull out the Star Wars instrument necessary for the invasive fecal collecting procedure, that's a totally different ball of wax.
All in all, I thought Flash handled the “discomfort” of the rear end invasion quite well, all things considered. But when we got back in the truck, she exploded with pent up emotions. “How could you let them do that to me?” she cried out with her eyes.” It's painful, humiliating, and is probably illegal in most civilized countries.”
I let her vent for a few minutes, knowing she needed to get it off her furry chest. Then it was my turn. “First of all, old lady, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. You're not the first to have to deal with some pain in that general area. I had a colonoscopy last year. You want some of that? And let's don't even mention all those procedures your mom (my wife) has endured in her lifetime bein's how she's a female who has birthed three babies. Look, I know it hurt you, but it might just save your little canine life at some point.”
Sometimes pain is necessary. The Bible has much to say on the subject. Romans 8:18 reminds us that our present sufferings can't even begin to compare with the future glory that will be revealed in us. Hebrews 12:11 assures us that pain will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. Revelations 21:4 is a promise from God that our tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain. And Jesus himself in John 16:21 compares the pain of a woman giving birth and the joy she feels once the child is born to our pain and how it will turn to joy.
All of which is only partial consolation to poor Flash. All she knows at this point is that her rear end and her feelings are both hurt.
“Okay, I get it,” she says with her eyes, “but don't be surprised if the next time you and Mom drag me to one of those torture chambers, I decide to 'express' myself again”.
posted by Rusty Stroupe @ 3/15/2018 10:29:00 PM
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