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Wednesday, January 03, 2018

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- New Year's Promises and a little boy named Johnny who gets a bad rap

     Don't read this if you're good at keeping New Year's Resolutions. You won't be able to relate. Read on if you, like most of us, fail by Valentine's Day to 1)lose weight and get in shape 2)read and volunteer more 3) text and gossip less 4)whatever else self improvement gig you attempt but can't seem to accomplish
     I am an eternal optimist. I believe things will turn out well, even when my New Year's resolutions typically go awry. I met someone once who chose flossing her teeth as a resolution and apparently it worked for her. Kudos. I already floss so I can't steal that one. (Though I don't floss enough according to my dental hygienist. Back off, I do my best and it's not a daily priority).
     So here it goes for 2018. Despite my propensity toward optimism, most of my resolutions each year are worded in the negative tense, normally beginning with the phrase "I will not". I have come to realize this makes them easier to keep, as in "I will not become an ISIS or Al Queda terrorist". This is a much easier resolution than "I will sweat profusely 30 minutes a day doing some type of heart healthy movement".

Herewith, in no particular order, are my 2018 resolutions:  

#5. I will NOT become an ISIS or Al Queda terrorist (as mentioned above). By placing this on the list, I stand to have a better percentage of success in the overall tally. For example, if I make 5 resolutions and I'm able to keep 4, my score would be 80%, which under the new relaxed grading systems in most public institutions, gets me a B or maybe even a B+.

#4. In an attempt to be politically correct, I will NOT use an individual's name (male or female) in a phrase that could potentially be offensive to them. Here are some examples:
A. Katie bar the door- What the heck does that mean and why should every female named Katie be saddled with the negativity associated with that phrase? I have a niece named Katie and she will no doubt appreciate that I will refrain from uttering the following phrase: "If I don't get my liver mush and scrambled eggs fix in the next 30 minutes, I'll turn into a vampire and it'll be Katie bar the door for everybody around me."
B. Little Johnny Jokes- My dad is named Johnny and my proper first name is John, so I'm protesting this offensive Tomfoolery. (Why does Tom have to be associated with foolishness?) Anyway, Little Johnny is mischievous and always outwits his teachers, normally with various sorts of PG-13 statements and comebacks. Here is an example (rated G): Little Johnny was at school and had to go to the bathroom real bad but the teacher said he had to recite his ABCs before he could go. Things went well until he got to L-M-N-O and then he skipped to Q. Teacher says, "Little Johnny, where is the P?" and he replies "Running down my leg." That sorta thing. (Why can't there be something positive associated with the name Johnny? Maybe there is, keep reading).
C. For Pete's Sake- Why does every outcome have to benefit this Pete guy and why is he so negatively affected by our mistakes? That's too much emphasis on one guy, as in- "You better eat them sweet potatoes and collard greens, or else you'll be constipated for a solid week, for Pete's sake." What's it to Pete if I'm plugged up?

#3. I will NOT butt dial on my cellphone if at all possible. That's kinda dumb to say, bein's how none of us can prevent a good butt dial every once in a while. Which is why I am at all times careful and cautious of what I might be saying about someone. They may hear me say it and totally not get that I am only blowing off steam and would never say what I truly felt to their face. Not long ago I butt-dialed my wife. She reminded me later. "What did I say?" I asked. She replied, "You were humming. Sounded like a song on the radio in background." Guilty as charged. As usual, I didn't know the words. When in doubt, hum. But whatever you do, don't say anything at any time about your wife unless it's lovely and uplifting. If she's listening and you bash her, it's Katy bar the door.

#2. I will NOT join the ever increasing crowd of decent human beings who blame everything that goes wrong in life on either 1) Donald Trump or 2) Hillary Clinton. Here are some facts: Donald Trump is President, like it or not. You can say "Not My President" or whatever else you want to derogatorily say, but if you are an American, he's the top ranking official in your country at the moment. As for Hillary, let her ride off into the sunset. She's only relevant because people keep bringing her name up. I truly believe the rest of the world was laughing at us during the last election, mainly because of how silly all the Tomfoolery got between the candidates and the folks who supported those candidates. Let's come together as a nation of proud people, for Pete's sake, and show them how mature we can be. Then they'll stop laughing and start respecting again.

#1. I will NOT give up on my daily commitment to exercise. I started a few years ago and I've done well, so I'm not stopping now. I've tried keeping rhythm on treadmills, elevating weights skyward, throwing college baseball batting practice, and power walking on trails and sidewalks. They're all good but I think I have discovered what works best for me and that's a machine called an elliptical. I can run through the air like Santa's reindeer without my feet pounding the ground and giving me shin splints and plantar fasciitis. Plus folks around me are falsely impressed when they see how fast they think I am for a 54 year old dude, as in- "Hey, check out that old dude gettin' after it on the cheat machine. When Little Johnny over there keels over, you're giving him mouth to mouth, for Pete's sake. I wouldn't touch that old geezer's lips with a 10 foot pole."

Another new and improved Bonus #1. A number of years ago, I made a commitment at my first waking moment each day to pray a short prayer from Psalm 118:24 and Psalm 51:10-11. I have tried really hard to train myself the moment I am first conscious to pray "This is the day you have made, Lord, I will rejoice and be glad in it- Create in me a clean, pure heart O' God, and renew a right spirit within me". I can't say I've been perfect with that, but more mornings than not, these thoughts wake up with me and get me started. It's a resolution I will make and try to keep every year as long as I am blessed with the Breath of Life here on Earth. And I am confident when my eyes open, as I start another day of existence, there to greet me will be my Heavenly Father- Johnny on the spot.






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