Gas Conservation a Patriotic Endeavor

This whole gas price thing has gotten to me a little. I heard a so-called expert on one of those news channels about six months ago predict that a gallon of gas would cost $4 by summer. I laughed out loud and proclaimed him insane. Nowadays I’m the one going crazy and he’s moving up in the network ranks.

I see this gas crunch crisis as a patriotic challenge. Throughout the world, folks are laughing at us, rejoicing that those spoiled, arrogant Americans are getting their just due for being hogs who can’t and won’t make sacrifices.

Well I say we show the rest of the world what we’re made of like we did in the early 1970s when OPEC tried to hold us hostage. We conserved and decreased our consumption and they folded like cheap lawn chairs. But are we tough enough to duplicate the success of the past?

I have done some research and learned how we can save some gas. Inflate the tires, use cruise control on flat roads, coast when possible and don’t use the air conditioner. We’ve all heard and done those. But I now present a few additional suggestions I discovered on the internet- some silly, others ludicrous. In no particular order:

1. Drive with the lights off.- (Some cars use extra energy to power the lights.) Dad, why do those cars keep blinking their lights at us tonight? Be quiet, Son, and concentrate on shining that flashlight straight ahead over the dashboard.
2. Don’t drive against the wind.- Okay kids, we’re going on vacation but we’re not sure where yet. Depends on which way the wind’s blowing when we leave Saturday morning.
3. Fill up in the morning.- (Cooler gas is more compact and you get more for your money in the morning.) Dad, why do we have to sit here all night in the parking lot? The sign says they’re open. Quiet, Son, we’re waiting until 6 a.m. Until then, use the spare tire as a pillow.
4. Drive in the heat and park in the shade.- (Warm tires and warm engines run more efficient. I have no idea about the shade.) Okay, kids, it’s finally 6 a.m. and the tank is filling up. When it’s done, we’re staying here in the shade for six hours until it gets hot enough for us to head in whatever direction the wind is blowing.
5. Don’t stop at the bottom of hills.- Dad, why did go through that stop light ten seconds after it turned red? Son, don’t you know how much gas it takes to climb a hill from a dead stop? Besides, I checked and there wasn’t anybody coming from either direction.
6. Push the car without cranking it whenever possible.- Okay, this example really happened. Our family van and my truck were parked in the driveway after a garage cleaning. I ordered my youngest to steer while I pushed the automobiles back inside. “But I’m only 8,” he explained. “Then get your 12-year-old brother to do it.” Which he did.

So there you have it. I’m anything if not patriotic. Though my kids say I’m cheap and downright embarrassing. “I’m just trying to be a loyal American,” I tell them. “Then ride your bicycle,” they say. Good idea, guys. That’s the spirit.