Bailout mess would be hilarious if it wasn't so costly

This whole government bailout thing has me a little perplexed. It should be old news by now but like a cold you can’t shake, it lingers. It has become almost epidemically comical, though it would be a whole lot funnier if it wasn’t your money and mine involved. I won’t name companies here, but rumor has it many of the government bailout recipients have been less than frugal with their handouts. One company threw an expensive spa party and invited all their friends. Another used their emergency funds to renovate their offices. And we’ve all heard about companies doling out lavish bonuses to their top executives. Personally I think the top executives, who are most to blame for the mess, should be demonstrating their humility by driving secondhand compact cars, clipping coupons, and doing their shopping at Dollar Tree. And in the “It Can’t Get Any More Ridiculous Department,” some of the car companies are actually using their government bailout money to hire lawyers to fight the government in court concerning Uncle Sam’s desire to force them to produce more fuel efficient automobiles. Also in that department is the company who spent $1.77 million in October, November, and December to hire lobbyists to hang out in Washington and pester our elected officials to give them more bailout money. Therefore, considering the utter ludicrousness of the situation, I have decided to add my two cents (mine, not borrowed from the government) to the mix. I now present to you the following entities, in no particular order, who could use some bailing out: 1. Britney Spears’ image. One minute she’s bald, the next minute she’s attacking a car, etc. and etc. If she’s ever going to restore her image by making another morally reprehensible music video or Pepsi commercial again, she’s going to need some help. Ditto for the images of Tom Cruise and that former governor of Illinois with the funny hair. 2. My beloved Pittsburgh Pirates of Major League Baseball could use some bailing out. They never win more than a few games each year and the reason is always that they don’t have enough money to pay their ballplayers $20 million per season to pitch, hit, and catch a little ball for 8 months a year. 3. My Father-in-Law’s basement could use some bailing out. Ever since some irritated road workers stuck a huge boulder in the drainpipe that runs near his house, his basement has been a Jacuzzi minus the jets and warm water. Actually, come to think of it, he finally got them to remove the rock so he’s okay now. 4. Businesses who depend on the sales of television rabbit ears, 8 track tapes, and toaster ovens as their primary source of income could use some bailing out. 5. O.J. Simpson could use bailing out but I say we let him stay where he is. 6. The Titanic is a great candidate for a bailout. We raise it, bail it out, and sell all the items on Ebay. It’s the one bailout that could actually pay for itself. So there you have it. Of course there will be those who will think my bailout ideas make no sense. But considering the laughable series of bailout proposals that have transpired to this point, I think I’m probably par for the course.