No Thanks

In this season of gratitude, I have much to be thankful for. Faith, family, friends, a job, health, church, and a home come to mind. Also I count my freedom and those who protect it among my many blessings. There’s more but I have chosen to take a different angle this week. After much introspection, I have come up with a list of things I am not thankful for. Or better stated, the “thankful I am not” list. ALL THAT JUNK ABOUT TOUCHING- I’m thankful I’m not traveling by air during the holiday season. I consider myself an affectionate guy, but I won’t be getting patted down, body scanned, or molested in any form or fashion at the airport. As appealing as all that may sound to some, I’m happily married, thank you. NO STAR ON THE SIDEWALK- I’m relieved not to be a Hollywood star. Most, not all, of them have skyrocketing divorce rates and plastic surgery bills. And their mug shots when they get in trouble are beyond hilarious. Plus they’ve got that whole paparazzi deal crowding around them all the time. The closest I’ve ever come to that was when I gave out cheese crackers and crayons to some children in the Dominican Republic. DANCING FOOL- I am thankful not to be a finalist on “Dancing with the Stars” despite the fact I produced unforgettable performances at a recent football game (recall column about dancin’ and textin’) and a few weeks later with the father of the bride at a Haitian wedding. I don’t watch the show but it seems to me everybody who gets voted off is 1) embarrassed 2) grouchy and 3) bitter. ROYAL PAIN- I’m extremely thankful that I wasn’t born into royalty. I hear the wedding of the future King of England and his bride will cost their families $40 million. Of course they can afford it but I prefer thrift shops, flea markets, and blue light specials. Plus they have to remember which fork to use to eat their salad and I like to just dig in face first. EFFORTS IN FUTILITY- I am a sports fan but not a fanatic. Thus I don’t live and die by the performances of my favorite pro teams. I am thankful for that because my football Panthers are the worst in the NFL right now. The Bobcats are second to last in their division in the NBA (yawn . . . who really cares) and my beloved baseball Pirates were recently voted the worst professional sports franchise in the history of mankind. Despite my ridiculous loyalty, I’m thankful I don’t lose sleep over their haplessness. MINER SIXTY NINER- I am thankful that my professional duties do not include underground mining. Thirty-three Chilean miners recently “enjoyed” sixty-nine days and nights trapped below the earth’s surface before being rescued. I would have never made it. I attempted to hide in the trunk of a car to sneak in the drive-in during high school but started screaming bloody murder five seconds after my friends tucked me in and closed me up. I’ve gladly paid the admission fee ever since. That’s about it. So don’t forget during this season of thanks to not only count your blessings, but also your not-blessings. And give someone a hug. (But don’t pat them down.)