WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- The Globe is Warming and I'm Freezing to Death

     As I stood in my usual position, I decided then and there that the whole debate was meaningless. Scientists disagree, experts disagree, politicians disagree, and diners at restaurant tables pick each other's arguments apart during evening meals. The debate? Well, I'll get back to that in a minute.
     As you may know by now, I am a college baseball coach for a living, and if you've followed along, you may know that my team's season ended a few days ago. As you also may know, I have made an admirable attempt over the years not to compose columns about sports. Though I could, I don't write about amazing comebacks, heartbreaking losses, or miracle seasons. Those belong on the sports page.
     But I do feel the need to provide a quick explanation about some of the dynamics of college baseball in order to help you better understand my plight this past season. Here are a few facts about college baseball you may not know: 1)We play our games in February, March, April, and May. And for those teams fortunate enough to advance in the playoff system, there is the potential for games in June and even July if you're one of the finalists. But most play February through May. 2)Spring officially begins around March 20, which means more than a month of our season is played during the winter time. And this year, winter hung around until mid April. 3)Despite the misconceptions you may have about long, hot summer days and sticky, humid nights on a baseball field, we the college crowd freeze our buns off at times. 4)It's even worse for teams above the Mason Dixon line, who some years don't even begin to thaw out until Cinco de Mayo .
     Complaining I am not. This is the lot I have chosen. Cold, windy days and nights on the diamond are part of the deal. In fact, I have learned to embrace the cold. Please bear with me as I share a true story about my apparel choice when I'm expecting a chilly baseball game experience.
     My 32 years of coaching have taught me well. First of all, if I am scheduled to throw batting practice that day, which I almost always am, I don't put on my heavy stuff. I dress as light as possible while still trying to maintain a semblance of warmth. I have learned that the worse thing I can do is layer up and then get all sweaty while throwing batting practice. Soon afterward, all the sweat freezes and I am colder and wetter than a penguin's flipper in January for the entire game. This is a miserable experience. And I avoid miserable experiences whenever possible.
     Therefore, I have learned that once I finish throwing batting practice, it is highly advisable to find a changing area and proceed to pull off the wet stuff and replace it with full protective armor before the game starts. Once I have wiped off with a towel, I start with some skin tight compression pants. They look like something a Russian ballet dude would wear but I care not. They're part of the package. Next I put on a similar skin tight all-weather pullover shirt. The kind that are thin, made of polyester, and keep the heat in better than cotton. As soon as it is on, I break open a store bought body warmer the size of a softball and stick it on top of the shirt. (You can't put those warmers directly next to you skin or they will burn straight through to your gizzard.) Next comes another pair of tights, the kind that look more like hose than pants. Please think me not effeminate and for your sake, refrain from picturing this scene in your mind as I relate it to you. The hose/tights help hold in heat as well.
     I have an excellent pair of thick hunting socks I put on next, followed by an "open, shake, and stick to your socks" toe warmer for each foot. Then it's time for a heavy, Army issue thermal underwear shirt, which also has a matching pair of pants. Both are Army green and very warm, so on they go. I got them from a soldier who used them in Iraq, and they, like him, have served well. At this point, I employ a thick cotton turtleneck pullover to cover up all this menagerie of clothing.
     Now it's time for game pants.White or gray, depending on whether we are home or away that game, along with a belt if I can get one to fit with all that stuff on me. The game pants serve no useful purpose in terms of weather blocking, but are merely there for style and conformity to the rules of baseball dress up. It's time now to put a thick sweatshirt on my upper body, the kind with a hood in the back that keeps cold heads toasty when their occupant is in the dugout. (One year I even grew a goatee just to try to keep my face warmer). Obviously I don't put on a jersey bein's  how it would be buried three or four layers deep and out of view anyhow. Next comes the team issued pullover to be placed over the sweatshirt and I'm nearly ready.
     Gotta have a hat. Some baseball coaches nowadays wear the knit caps. We in the South properly call them toboggans. My Northern friends tell me toboggans are for sledding. I tell them sleds and road signs are for sledding. I can't bring myself to wear a toboggan/knit cap. It's un-baseball-ish, plus they make my head itch.So I wear a regular baseball cap in the dugout and a hard hat when I'm coaching bases. Hard hat helmets are cold so one time I tried putting one of those aforementioned "open and shake" warmers in my helmet. It burnt through to my pea sized brain and left a brown stain on my forehead that remained for three days despite numerous washings. 
     At this point my hands become priority number one. Hand warmers placed inside thick wool gloves tend to do the trick but they end up freezing any way at some point because I have that condition where your hands are always cold when it's below 60 degrees. This makes for some embarrassing moments when you enter church from outside and the greeter says "Oh My, your hands are really cold." So I wear gloves inside the church sometimes and people think I'm weird, which is largely accurate. It's a lose-lose.
     So what happened that afternoon during the game and what caused me to be distracted by a scientific debate at precisely the moment my team was attempting to rally from a three run deficit? I'll tell you what it was. I had just watched a debate on one of the propaganda networks that morning about global warming and one of the experts was claiming the planet was pretty near to melting from the increasing heat. Meanwhile, I was experiencing the coldest baseball game I could remember in my 32 years of coaching. So my thought at the moment was,"Whoever thinks the Earth is burning up should be standing here coaching third base with me during this game."
     I'm not making a political or scientific statement as to whether or not the Earth is going through global warming. I am simply saying that at that moment, I really didn't care. I was freezing to death. (Not literally, but close). But fortunately for me, I was fully equipped with my cold weather armor. And live on did I as a result.
     The Bible says in Ephesians 6:11-17 that we are to put on the full armor of God so that we can withstand the devious schemes of the devil. That armor includes the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth around your waist, the gospel of peace on your feet, the shield of  faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is His Word. I don't know about you, but I can use every bit of help I can get when it comes to warding off the devil's attacks. And the aforementioned items sound pretty effective to me.
     So next year if you come to see one of our games on a cold and blustery afternoon or evening, please spare me the "Wrapped up like an Eskimo" and "Michelin Man" jokes. I've heard them all before. And no, I will not have gained weight. I'll simply be wrapped up in the armor of warmth, rubbing my hands together and wondering why global warming hasn't reached my neck of the woods yet.

     (Click on picture to enlarge)