Maybe I'll Get Invited to the White House This Year

The beginning of a new year. An opportunity to share with you my annual list of resolutions. I checked back to last year’s list of resolves and I fared well. As promised, I did not view a solar eclipse with my naked eyes. Yes, I did say naked. There has been some concern lately that terms in some of my columns have been a bit risqué and on the edge during the past year. Maybe, but I’m sticking with the word naked in this column, like it or not. I followed through on my vow not to style my hair in a manner resembling the type sported by impeached Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich and I did not shave my head or chest in a lame attempt to inspire the college baseball team I coach to play harder. And I went on two mission trips in the past year, fulfilling my promise to go on at least one. But I did fail to follow through with one resolution. I did not repair the flat tire on my bicycle when gas prices rose earlier this year. Thus I was unable to “stick it to the man” by pedaling past the pump when times got tough. Sorry. All that being said, here’s my list for 2010. Feel free to hold me accountable for these promises: 1. If invited to the White House for a Beer Summit the likes of which occurred this past year, I will request that I be served something none of the original Beer Summit attendees asked for. If you remember, Sergeant Crowley ordered Blue Moon; Professor Gates asked for Samuel Adams Light; V.P. Biden went with a Buckler non-alcoholic brew; and the President downed a Bud Light. If asked to attend, I will break up the whole beer theme and see if they’ll allow a good ole’ North Carolina Caffeine Free Diet Sun Drop at a meeting of the minds. 2. Unlike a friend of mine from my church, I will not grab a black snake that has just run past me after I have stirred it from its rest. And also unlike my friend, I will not allow its head to get close enough to bite me on the finger, like it did to him. But if I am bitten, I will try my best to be like him and laugh it off and go about my business- which he did in manly and impressive fashion. 3. If I donate a kidney to someone, I won’t ask for it back. A Long Island, NY man- claiming his wife cheated on him after he gave up one of his kidneys for her- now wants his former bean-shaped organ back in a divorce settlement, though he would settle for $1.5 million if she’s grown attached to it. 4. And for the umpteenth year in a row, I will not become irritated, agitated, or bitter when my last name is misspelled, mispronounced or otherwise butchered. (If you’re reading this in the paper, check to the left and see if they spelled it right underneath my picture: S-t-r-o-u-p-e. Sometimes they leave the “e” off.) So there you have it. Now go and make your own list. And if anyone asks for an explanation, tell them Mr. Strap put you up to it.