VEGGIES IN A POLITICALLY CORRECT WORLD

The fine folks who publish the Oxford English Dictionary have opened up a can of worms. Or should I say, a sack of potatoes. It seems they added the term "couch potato" to the 1993 edition of their dictionary. And twelve years later, the potatoes have finally decided they aren’t happy about it. The farmers who plant, grow, and slaughter the potatoes so they can be eaten say that the term is damaging to the potato’s image. I didn’t know a potato had an image. But it’s 2005. Nowadays even plants have public relations representatives. But the whole couch potato in the dictionary controversy has started me thinking a lot about other possible offended fruits and vegetables. I’ve managed to contact a few of them in the past few weeks and boy, did they have plenty to gripe about. Here is only a partial list of some of the complaints I received from the public relations departments of these respective food items: BANANAS- It seems that bananas are offended that people refer to them when something or someone is considered to have entered a state of wildness or chaos. For example, "Bob went bananas and fired every member of his staff, referring to them later as a bunch of couch potatoes who weren’t worth their salt." ORANGE JUICE- I have been informed that orange juice no longer wants to be referred to as "O.J.," fearing the name association with O.J. Simpson. STRAWBERRIES- These plump red pimpled delights take exception to being associated with scrapes on legs and other bodily parts. They don’t like it when baseball players say, "He’s going to have a huge strawberry on his leg after that ugly slide into third base." NUTS- The entire nut family has entered therapy to determine whether or not they are indeed crazy. I would have a complex too if people kept saying things like, "Are you nuts? You paid over $20 for you and your son to see Star Wars III and you fell asleep during the best part?" APPLES- This is where it gets serious. The apple population is demanding that Genesis be edited to remove their presence in the Garden of Eden. "We’ve had a bad rap for thousands of years now," they claim, "and it was really all the snake’s fault." They are suggesting that the new version of Genesis refer to figs as the forbidden fruit, since the negative image of the fig is largely irreversible anyway. RASPBERRIES- They don’t have a lot to complain about, but they do resent Spanky of the Little Rascals using them as a replacement for curse words. LEMONS- They don’t appreciate being associated with inferior used cars. PICKLES- Often referred to when one is in a tight spot or uncomfortable situation - especially in baseball games. Pickles would prefer we call a runner who is caught between second and third base as being in a rundown. SQUASH and OKRA- They simply have an inferiority complex because the vast majority of humanity detests them. And in this politically correct age, they expect us to fix the problem for them. PEACHES- They have no complaints. Everything is just peachy when it comes to their image, with the possible exception of that massive public display along Interstate 85. I tell visitors that we are very proud of our peach heritage, but they giggle anyway. I could go on and on but my kids are calling. We’re going to go nuts and be couch potatoes all day long while drinking O.J. and watching Herbie Goes Bananas. And if the lady of the house offers us an apple, we will politely decline.