NOT Resolutions for 2015

Okay, so here I go with my first ramble of 2015. And as you might imagine, it involves resolutions. People make resolutions that are too hard to keep. Then they eventually feel like failures. I don't want to feel like a failure. So here's what I have decided. I will make resolutions that shouldn't be too hard to keep. Of course I want to exercise more, drink more water, and read more, but those may fade by Valentines' Day. So here is my list. And by the way, it is written in negative form, which means it is list of things I intend NOT to do.
1. I will not watch Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, or any show that begins with the words "Real Housewives of . . . " This shouldn't be hard because I've never watched any of them before. Nothing against those shows, just haven't watched and don't want to get hooked. But I was flipping through the channels one time and one of those Housewives Of shows was on and all I heard was a series of bleeps, indicating to me that these ladies were unladylike in at least one respect.
2. I will not follow through on my intent to pen a column about Honey Boo Boo and her family. A few years ago, when all of America was watching Honey Boo Boo instead of the Democratic Convention, I decided it was time to honor the Boo Boos in a column. Honey stole America's heart for a time. She and her family butchered proper English, ate ridiculously high carb foods, and belched and broke wind with unashamed regularity. They thumbed their noses at high society and said this is who we are. We burp, we cuss, we fart, and whatever junk food we don't eat, we throw at each other. Take us or leave us. Turns out they weren't as real as I thought. Mama June has some skeletons in her closet that she pulls out and dances with every once in a while. And I had some sympathy for her until she flat out lied about it. So now this resolution is the closest thing to a column I will write about their family. Poor little Honey Boo Boo. I hope she wins a pageant someday.
3. I will not take up the habit of drinking in 2015. No beer, no liquor, no Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine, no Dos Equis- no matter how interesting he is. Not staying that thirsty, my friend. I'll partake of nothing fermented unless I accidentally consume apple cider from our refrigerator that has long since passed it's expiration date. Part of my motivation is moral conviction but don't think of me as one of those holy rolling "I'm better than you guys" who looks down upon those who indulge. One of my primary reasons is because I can't afford it and because I think if I was to take up drinking, I would probably do something stupid and end up in jail somewhere in a cell with an enormous guy named Bubba who had recently decided that he is gay and is looking for love in all the wrong places. That image is enough to make anyone decide not to drink. Plus as rapidly as my brain cells are deteriorating with age, I need to keep every one of them I can.
4. I will not purchase a Miley Cyrus poster for display at my office or in my home. I think my place of work has a policy against such practices and none of the Stroupes would be interested in gazing upon a scantily clad, misguided daughter of a Billy Ray with an achy breaky heart. Why do all the Disney kids go completely hog wild when they grow up?
5. I will not become a terrorist and join Al Queda, Isis, or any other group whose name I can't pronounce, spell, or understand. Speaking of Isis, I'm mad at them for ruining a perfectly good word. Before their web of hatred and lies showed up, I thought of the Saturday morning hero with the awesome headband when I heard the word Isis, as in "Oh Mighty Isis" from the Shazam/Isis Power Hour. Come to think of it, her powers may have come from some sort of demonically blasphemous piece of idol jewelry, but at least she stood for truth and justice instead of the murder of innocent people.
So there you have it, my first post of 2015. And I challenge you to hold me to these resolutions. But at the moment, I must go. An episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey is about to begin. I will gather the family around our television and when the show is over, I'll turn it on.