Believe Me or Not, I'm on the Up and Up

Recent developments have led me to conclude that I need to set the record straight. And it’s likely going to take me a few columns to do it. So be prepared for the next week or two. I’ll be spending it attempting to preserve my integrity. It has come to my attention that a number of readers have begun to doubt the authenticity of the information I produce in this column each week. Not going so far as to say I’m lying, they simply believe I have an overactive imagination concerning details. With that in mind, I have chosen to dredge up some memories from past columns and defend their honor. In no particular order, let’s take a look at some unusual tales that, believe me or not, actually happened as described: 1. I have been pelted with bird excrement from above on two separate occasions in my life, both times while standing just outside of churches I attended. And yes, the second time, I was carrying a child and it really did leave a thick green slime in my bangs and on my forehead- a fact which I noticed once I made it inside to the bathroom only after passing a number of curious fellow church go-ers. 2. I truly did get my ear caught in the front door of our house when I was a small child. And a television really did fall on my nose around that time as well. 3. I did indeed dress up in the mascot suit for an entire basketball game when I was coaching at Lander University. And I have video footage to prove it. I really did lose at least five pounds that night as well. 4. After being released, the squirrel my son caught in his trap last spring really did scurry into our garage and defecate near our water heater before finally being chased out. 5. Speaking of my sons, all three have crashed into my neighbor Bob’s yard at different times. And no kidding, the oldest one smashed Bob’s mailbox while trying to ride his bike and look through binoculars at the same time. 6. The Stroupe Christmas trees indeed do have a tradition of tilting and crashing to the floor and yes, we really did tie one of them to the ceiling with fishing line- and it worked. 7. I really was detained at a military checkpoint in the Dominican Republic by government soldiers brandishing machine guns on my 2005 mission trip. And they did call me a gringo. 8. Unfortunately, the account of my search for my keys in the bottom of the trash can at the Panda Express Restaurant in the Cincinnati airport is entirely true. Remember that the manager gave me some rubber gloves so it wasn’t terribly gross. And yes, some of the patrons clapped when I emerged from the rubbish victorious. 9. The recent story about the deer who crashed into my swim coach friend’s pool is on the up and up. I even let him read it first to make sure it was accurate, especially the part where one of the deer followed the young lady into the coach’s office and began nudging her. There’s more but I gotta go. I think there may be a skunk in my son’s trap. No kidding.