Introducing the Flash Report

It has become apparent to me that you, the reading public, are in need of a “Flash” fix. Of all the subjects I have written about, the Stroupe family dog Flash has gotten the most response. And though I am not one to cave in to the whims of a fickle public, I have decided in this case to quench your thirst for more by incorporating an occasional update which will furthermore be known as the Flash Report. Flash is quite the icon these days. Neighbors ride by and wave at her in the front yard all the time. She just sits there, not realizing why human types raise their arms above their heads and wave their hands back and forth when they see her. Unable to understand or respond, she simply stares. Even the UPS delivery woman is familiar with our dog. She told my wife recently, “I felt safe to leave it on the porch because I didn’t see Flash outside.” Apparently she knows Flash from the newspaper. The relationship between Flash and deliveries to our home is the main topic of this week’s Flash Report. Flash, like the Grinch, nearly stole Christmas. As you may remember, Flash has the unpleasant habit of chewing and destroying most anything she can sink her teeth into. Examples include plastic water bottles, Penny (her stuffed tiger), six bags of mulch, the stuffing of her bed, and three of those spigot covers we use for winterizing our pipes. She also chewed up the first 38 chapters of Genesis from one of our Bibles. That’s what I call digging into the Word. Even so, it did not deliver her from further temptation. Christmas was particularly challenging. She intercepted a front porch shipment of those free trial fluorescent light bulbs Duke Power has been sending out. She got a hold of a box containing two pair of shoes. When we opened the tattered box, it held three shoes. The fourth was discovered in the side yard, salvageable but traumatized. When one important shipment was way overdue, a search revealed an expensive hat in a bush next to a couple thousand pieces of cardboard that had previously served as a box. We’ve held our breath on several occasions, hoping that the recipient of a particular gift would not notice the teeth marks in the item. We were advised to put a cooler on our front porch near the front door with a sign attached that reminded delivery folks to place items in the cooler. Not to be defeated, Flash ripped up the sign and went straight back to her pillaging. That was the breaking point. I decided something drastic had to be done. I took immediate and deliberate action- I made a new sign and taped it high enough on the front door where a dog couldn’t get to it. Now that the holiday season is over, the sign and the cooler have both been removed- but the menace remains. After hearing the doorbell ring recently, I opened the front door and observed the delivery lady and the dog playing together in the front yard. “Don’t trust her,” I said. But it was too late. Like the neighbors and the reading public, the delivery lady was charmed by Flash’s magic. While the Stroupes are left to clean up the messes.