WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Don't Wet Yourself

     If you've read many (or any of my posts), you know that I am not always politically correct. My posts, columns, writings- whatever you want to call them- always include a Bible verse and some sort of lesson relevant to that verse, but to say I am not a little borderline with some of my analogies and musings would be an exaggeration. If you took a look at this week's title, you know that's the case with this particular offering.
     I am a college baseball coach by profession. Quite often, during moments of high pressure, I will remind one of my players this: "Don't wet yourself." It's designed to make them chuckle and release some of the tension, but some go ahead and wet themselves anyway. To which I will say to them later, "Hey, I could see it running down your leg. You let the pressure get to you." But fortunately for my team, most of the time they don't wet themselves.
     I shall now compare and contrast two situations where folks I encountered were facing high pressure situations. The first occurred several years ago at a hotel in Florida. The second occurred this past week at a McDonald's drive thru.
     My college baseball team arrived to check into a hotel in Sanford, Florida on that fateful day, only to discover they had totally overbooked due to biker week. Despite our reservations, there simply weren't enough rooms and the increasingly agitated crowd of travelers were growing more frustrated by the minute. Three adult human employees were trying their best to work through the situation but were having no success. The tension was thicker than presidential election night. At one point, the middle aged man who was attempting to explain the situation to my assistant coach and me, looked at his colleague next to him and said, "I can't take this anymore. I'm going crazy."
     And he left. We stood there for several minutes while a bus full of players waited in vain for their room keys. I snuck a glance into the back room after about ten minutes, and there he was, hiding and smoking a cigarette. Bedlam had ensued and tempers were flaring. During that moment, he wet himself. (Okay, I didn't see it running down his leg, but figuratively speaking, I'm certain it happened).
     It's a long story but it didn't get resolved, partly because Mr. Scaredy Wet Pants had melted under the pressure. (I don't know if Scaredy Wet Pants is spelled correctly or not, but don't tell me it's not a thing. I saw it in the flesh that day).
     Recently I pulled up to a McDonald's drive thru asking only for a small strawberry smoothie. Quick and easy, huh? Not so much. Just as I pulled up, a couple van loads of soccer players poured into the Mickey D's and just like at the hotel in Florida, bedlam ensued. I decided to stick it out since I had already ordered. After several long minutes, I finally arrived at the window. What I saw inside could have been described as utter chaos. Only it wasn't.
     A teenage kid employee asked me if I would mind pulling up. Before doing so, I noticed that the few employees on duty were all teenagers. And I also noticed that they were busting their rear ends trying to fill orders. I looked hard to see if any of their pants showed any evidence of them wetting themselves. Totally dry.
     I spent somewhere between 20-25 minutes (maybe more) purchasing and finally receiving a strawberry smoothie that day. Eventually a smiling young teenage girl employee popped out the side door and handed me a large smoothie along with an apology. "Sorry about your wait, I know it was forever, so I got you a large instead of a small." I thanked her and assured her it was no problem and wished her well in dealing with the crowd inside.
     The Bible speaks of pressure quite often. James 1:12 says: "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial" and Proverbs 24:10 reads: "If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength." Translation: When you're under pressure, don't wet yourself. Take a deep breath, whisper a short prayer, and rely on God to help you navigate the situation . He has placed you in the situation for a reason, and He will give you strength equal to the task if- and that's a big if-  you remain steadfast in your faith in Him and don't lose your cool.
     I was impressed with the kids at the McDonald's recently. For all the complaints and mean looks they likely receive when things get backed up, I think they probably deserve a few compliments. They kept their cool, went about the task to the best of their abilities, and were polite to everyone involved. But best of all, they didn't wet themselves, which the teenager in charge of the mopping that day surely appreciated.
   

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Getting the Scoop on Our Messes

     As the architect of multiple messes in my lifetime, I rejoice that in many instances there was someone to come along after me and help me clean them up. Occasionally I had to tidy up all by myself. Our famous family dog Flash, however, is incapable of cleaning up her own messes, both literally and figuratively.
     Recently we took Flash on a family visit to Old Salem, a place where the clock has stopped and time is stuck somewhere in the late 1700s and early 1800s. One of the few modernities in Old Salem are the signs admonishing good and decent folks not to ignore the results of their pets expressing themselves in a public manner. Because poor Flash was refused allowance into any of the old-timey dwellings- (only seeing eye dogs allowed within)- Stroupe family members took turns hanging outside, attached to the mandatory leash with the only four legged member of our family on the other end.
     During one of my rotations, Flash decided it was time to relieve herself and so she proceeded thusly. The spot she chose was within spitting distance of a sign that I couldn't help but get a chuckle from. It was strategically placed to remind Flash and me that her natural bodily functions can cause various sorts of communicable and fatal diseases. Then it implored humans to abase and degrade themselves by bending over near the dog's hind parts and scoop up the product with some sort of plastic glove-baggy type deal. (There was even a picture of a cartoon-type figure performing the act in case we didn't know what that was supposed to look like).  But my favorite part was the bottom of the sign reminding us humans that under penalty of law, we could be fined $25 to $200 for not performing the necessary excavation procedure after the act.
     Who in blue blazes determines whether it will be a $25 or a $200 fine? And what would be the basis of that determination? I chuckled as I imagined the employee whose job description included patrolling the grass areas and issuing fines to derelict doggy parents.

Doggy Patrol: "Excuse me, Sir, but I'm going to need to fine you for that #2 incident you just now walked away from."
Me: "My bad, how much do I owe you?"
DP: "Indeterminable at this point. I'll need you to stand here while I measure the diameter, circumference, and mass of the offense. (DP handcuffs me, places leg irons on Flash, then puts on hazmat suit and proceeds toward the offensive heap, but only after radioing in to his associates at the central office, warning them that he's going in before reinforcements can arrive. He then pulls out a tape measure, a weighing scale, and a 35mm camera to record and document the evidence.)
Me: "What's the damage, Mr. DP?"
DP: "Back off with the DP, wise guy, or I'll jack the fine up to $500 . . . Okay, so you owe me the full $200 based on the evidence."
Me: "Uggh, I should have adopted a smaller dog eight years ago. Or maybe I should have refused her when she begged for the cinnamon bun this morning."

     Of course this is a fictional account but beware, it could happen. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about paying the fine for the messes I've created in my own life, no matter how big or small. Figurative messes, that is. The Bible says in Isaiah 1:18 that our sins are red as scarlet but God makes them white as snow. Translation: We make messes but God is there to help clean them up. No lecture, no fine, no shame. No $25, no $200. But it does come with a price, and that price was paid for us in advance on Calvary.
     Flash didn't care about any of that at Old Salem as she curiously observed me snatching one of the plastic baggies and performing the dirty deed, depositing it in the little doggy refuse can a few feet away. "I've trained you well," she said with a grin. To which I replied, "Watch out, girl, or I'll close the lid on the toilet so you won't have anything to drink." Her smirk disappeared as she muttered, "Well played, my human adoptive father, well played."

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Being there for the big moment

     As the grand moment approached, I grew more and more anxious. Normally I'm not a nervous person- I kinda take life as it comes. But there are moments in one's existence that are monumental. And as the time grew nearer, I was afraid. Not afraid of the event itself, but afraid that I would miss it.
     Set an alarm, you might say. Have someone you trust remind you of the upcoming event, you might recommend. If it's that important, how could you forget, you might ask.
     I think there's lots of examples of people in life whose minds went strangely blank precisely when they should have been focused, and who missed out on their big moments. Here are a few examples:

1. Joe Green- He said no when his college roommate asked him to join him and invest in a wacky business venture. Had he said yes, Joe would now be worth around $7 billion. His roommate Mark Zuckerberg's crazy idea was to start a social website called Facebook.

2. Wally Pipp- An excellent first baseman for the New York Yankees, Wally woke up on on June 2, 1925 with a excruciating headache. When his headache was still hanging around that afternoon, he asked the Yankees manager for a day off. A young replacement named Lou Gehrig started the game that day in his place and played the next 2130 games in a row.

3. Erwin Rommel- Germany's top general in World War II was also a devoted family man. So much so that he left his front line duties for a two day trip home on his wife's birthday so he could surprise her and celebrate with her. He headed out on June 5, 1944 and a few hours later, the largest beachfront assault in the history of history occurred as the Allies attacked German forces on June 6, 1944- also known as D-Day.

4. Edward J. Smith- There is some historical debate about Captain Smith, but it is believed by many that he was asleep when the Titanic he captained struck an iceberg that eventually caused it to plunge into the icy Atlantic Ocean. Either way, it was not a good night for him, because even after he showed up on deck, he seemed confused and disoriented, frozen by indecision and disbelief.

     Perhaps the disciples were afraid their boat might sink the night the storm tossed them to and fro in an incident recorded in the books of Matthew, Mark, and Luke. At their darkest and most perilous moment, they realized their leader was sleeping soundly below. How could he do this to us at a moment like this, they asked. But Jesus was not being neglectful or irresponsible, He was simply resting in total trust of His Father. At a moment of his choosing, he probably yawned, stretched, and rolled his eyes at the lack of faith he was witnessing all around Him. And when He was good and ready, he raised his arms to the sky and calmed the sea before the amazed eyes of His disciples. His big moment had come, and He had answered the call, as always. And He still does today.
     So with this in mind, I did not want to miss my big moment when it happened recently. Even so, I nearly did. A minute or so after leaving the parking lot where I work, it hit me. Oh no! Had my moment passed? How could I have forgotten? A quick glance at my truck's odometer led to a deep sigh of relief. I pulled off the side of the road and took a picture before proceeding. My Nissan truck had rolled over to 100,000 miles. And I was there at the big moment to enjoy it.