WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Possum Queens and Poison Ivy

Me: Well, here we ago again with yet another crisis, this whole Corona Bologna thing.

My Famous Dog Flash: Okay, you overused the whole "Corona Bologna" rhyme last week in your little wacky devotion. People didn't think it was funny then, and they don't think it's funny now.

Me: Ouch.

Flash: And why do you call this a crisis? Sure, it's serious, but look at the positives. People are spending more time with family and doing things they never had the time to do before, like have meaningful conversations with their intelligent canine companions.

Me: Maybe, but last Saturday when I finally found time to start clearing out all those downed trees in our woods because of the flooding a few weeks back, I got poison ivy all over my arms.

Flash: That's because you're a moron. Wear short sleeves next time. The bright side of it was that while you were playing in the trees, I was down by the creek, cornering my first possum ever, even though y'all made me leave before I could pull it out of the hole where it was hiding.

Me: I know, and we were proud of you- that's why your mom put together a little Possum Queen celebration for you the next day. But that doesn't change the fact that our lives have been totally disrupted by this Corona Bologna outbreak. And people are panicked, anxious, and scared.

Flash: Stop calling it Corona Bologna or I'll drag a dead squirrel into your bedroom. Besides, I thought you're all the time preaching about how nothing is bigger than God, not even Corona Bologna. . . Dadgumit, now you got me saying it.

Me: You're right. It is bigger than me, but it's not bigger than God. That's why I decided last week to share my weekly message/sermon on Facebook Live on Sunday morning at 9 a.m., to let people know there's hope in every situation. And I intend to share another message again this week.

Flash: Now you're just advertising. Why do you feel the need to the be one to share your messages? Aren't there plenty other preachers and teachers posting videos and podcasts all over the internet?

Me: I'm just trying to do my part. What if everybody sat around doing nothing, thinking somebody else should be doing it. I'm not special, I'm just trying to use the talent God gave me for His glory. Kinda like in Matthew 25 when Jesus talks about how the two servants used their talents for the Lord but the one servant buried his and hid it away from the world. He made an unwise choice.

Flash: You call that speaking thing of yours a talent? You sound worse than a rabid raccoon when you open your mouth. I've heard better speakers than you in a convent.

Me: But they're not allowed to speak in convents.

Flash: Exactly.

Me. Watch it, Miss Smarty Pants Possum Queen, or I'll strip you of your title and take your silly little crown and toss it in the trash next to the empty bottles of hand sanitizer.

Flash: Yeah, well at least I don't scratch myself near as much as you do, 'cause I was smart enough to stay out of the poison ivy.

Me: Maybe, but you still drink from the toilet.

Flash: Ouch.

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Let's Wipe Out Corona Bologna

     Milk and bread. That's what everybody runs to the grocery store to purchase when the weatherman hints that snow is even a remote possibility. Twelve inches or half an inch, it doesn't matter. There will be a run on milk and bread. Yes, human grab other stuff like canned goods, bottle water, eggs, flashlights, and batteries- but milk and bread are the stars of the "doomsday trip to the store" show. However, during the Corona Bologna virus outbreak, a rookie has emerged on the scene to steal the limelight . . . (drum roll please). . . toilet paper. Yes, roll after roll has disappeared from the shelves.  To the point where previously upstanding citizens have been arrested for buying it up and trying to sell it with jacked up prices. Squeezably soft, I guess.
     I don't get the whole toilet paper thing. Of course I know of its essentiality (or is it essentialness) and I know it can't be recycled (or at least it shouldn't be) but no matter how long I sit and think, I just can't grasp why fine and decent folks would knock other humans over to get to the tissue aisle and then hoard the bounty (pun intended).
     Like most other products, there are alternatives when toilet paper is not available. Sand paper and poison ivy plants are not listed among those alternatives but wash cloths, newspapers, phone books (who has those anymore), sponges, and corn cobs are just a few of those listed online that will work in a pinch.
     I'm wiped out trying to think of all the possible alternatives but suffice to say, there are plenty- depending upon how industrious and brave you are. Perhaps the TP hoarders are on to something. We really do depend on our tissue and only really notice how much we need it when it's not available. Just the thought of not having any for the next day might motivate one to collect as much as possible on a given day, especially in hard times when such commodities are scarce.
     The Israelites were facing a similar challenge in Exodus 16 when, during the journey through the desert, suddenly there weren't an abundance of burger joints and convenience stores from which food could be obtained. When the Israelites began to grumble and complain (a habit of theirs), God informed Moses of a solution that involved manna and quail falling from the sky so that it could be gathered each morning and evening. The catch was that the Israelites were to gather only what they needed for that day and no more.
     Despite being told not to take more than they could use for that day, some of them (much like the toilet paper hoarders of today) panicked and took enough for several days, only to discover that it spoiled overnight and possessed a foul smell the next morning (similar to recycled toilet paper).
     I won't make light of the Corona Bologna virus. (Then why are you calling it Corona Bologna, you might ask. The answer is that despite its seriousness, I won't let it rob me of my sense of humor, bein's how laughter is sometimes the best medicine- plus Bologna was the only word I could think of that rhymed with Corona). What I will say is this: Our salvation from COVID-19 will not be quarantines, vaccines, hand sanitizer, or toilet paper. Our salvation will be what it always has been and always will be: the Grace of our Almighty God.
     Yes, we should take all the necessary precautions and follow all the safety guidelines. No, we should not panic and start treating each other inhumanely. Yes, we should visit the grocery store and stock up on some essentials. No, we shouldn't buy mass quantities that leave others with nothing to choose from. But most of all, let's spend less time in the toilet paper section of the grocery store and more time with our eyes closed, our heads bowed, and our hearts engaged in heartfelt prayer. In fact, I'm headed to bed to say my prayers now. All this talk of toilet paper has wiped me out.

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Remembering my Tot years

     I happened across a picture online recently and right away, I knew I had seen it before. I just couldn't remember exactly when and where. All I could remember is that I had seen it during my childhood at some point. Immediately my racing mind traveled to destinations near and far as I desperately attempted to connect time and location to the artist rendering of an old man with a Santa Claus beard, hands folded in prayer and eyes closed. Near him on the table was a loaf of bread, a cutting knife, a cup of soup, and a Bible with a pair of reading glasses sitting atop it. 
     I didn't grow up dreaming of attending Appalachian State University, though I certainly enjoyed visiting my great aunt Tot in her remote home on Leisure Acres near campus when I was a kid. My parents often allowed me to stay there for days at a time, just me and my great aunt. She seemed to enjoy having a boy around, having lived on her own for many years in her mountain getaway. She wasn't antisocial but I got the feeling she was content being on her own most of the time. 
     Through a winding trail of circumstances too long to share, I ended up at Appalachian State after high school, where I had the privilege to play on the baseball team while studying History and preparing for my career as an educator. Most of that time as an educator was spent coaching, but I mixed in some teaching along the way, which is what I do full time now that coaching is no longer my thing. 
     My Aunt Tot came to as many games as she could, but she wasn't getting around well by then and she passed on within a year or so of my graduation. Despite her being gone for over thirty years, there are things about her that will stick with me forever. 
      I don't remember ever being uncomfortable with my Aunt Tot. Others may have felt uneasy around her (she could be gruff and blunt- especially when a cigar was perched between her lips)- but I knew her to be a kind, loving, and sensitive lady with one of the warmest hearts imaginable. We spent a lot of time with the television turned off, talking about subjects ranging from girlfriends to how to rabbit hunt without dogs. She taught me how to shoot a shotgun and laughed uncontrollably when I landed on my rear end during my first attempt. "Keep the shotgun firm against your shoulder and it won't kick as hard," she advised between snickers. 
     We loved to play cards. She taught me how to cheat, but then made me promise I would never utilize the methods she revealed to me. She taught me how to run my hands under cool water when they were frozen instead of hot water. "Hot water makes 'em sting too much," she wisely informed me. She demonstrated how to puff on a cigar without inhaling, then made me promise I would never smoke anything in my life. She taught me that it was polite to eat slowly, so I wouldn't finish before others and make them feel uncomfortable while they continued to eat as I watched. (I still need to do better on that).

     The Bible says in Proverbs 31:26 - "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." Every time I hear that verse I think of several fine ladies in my life, but the first one I think of is my Aunt Tot. The Bible has much to say about the roles of men and women in the home and in the church, but it never says that women can't be filled with wisdom, discernment, and the Holy Spirit. And I'm fortunate that my Aunt Tot was willing to share her wisdom with a boy. 

     Aha! Now I remember where I saw the Praying Man picture. It was above her dining room table where we ate all our meals together, often just her and me. With the exception of the beard, my Aunt Tot looked a lot like the Praying Man each time we broke bread at her table and she insisted on saying "Grace" before a bite was taken. 

     I think my Aunt Tot would be proud that I still remember so much of what she taught me during my youth. Someday by God's Grace I intend to join my great aunt in the heavenly realm and reminisce about our times in the mountains. Perhaps the Lord will allow us a card game and a Victory Cigar together when I join her on the scene, assuming we both agree not to cheat or inhale.