WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- Feed Me a Steady Diet

     It made perfect sense to me when I first heard the phrase recently. But I started thinking that it might be a bit confusing to someone who wasn't an avid baseball fan. "He can expect to be fed a steady diet of wrinkles," I heard the announcer say.
     It got me to thinking that there's probably a lot of things being said out there that make perfect sense to some people but are Greek and utterly confusing to others. I shall now share some.(At this point I will also say that some of you out there have said these columns work better if you read them out loud, especially if someone is listening. This week's edition might be one to test that theory out on).  Here we go.
     "This particular cowardly person has irritated me. If he speaks to me in a disrespectful manner again, I shall be forced to confront him physically." Sounds a bit formal but reasonable to most folks- but if you're a cowboy, you probably would phrase it more like this: ""That Yellow Belly's done soured my milk. He jaws at me one more time, I'm gonna clean his plow." Incidentally, when I was a sophomore defensive back on the high school football team, one of the coaches said that if the running back came my way on the option play, I should clean his plow. Not knowing exactly what he meant, the next play I sprinted toward the running back in search of his plow and ran into him with all the force my little 135 pound body could muster. I never located his plow and I saw stars for the next three days, but the coach seemed pleased with me for once.
     Here's another: "Yo, Squad, we need to punch it in again, the vokes didn't mix with the verbs". At least that's how a musician might say it in a recording studio. To the rest of us, that would mean something to the effect of: "Hey guys, we need to re-record that. The vocal parts weren't compatible with the sound effects".
     Shall I go on? Thanks, I will. "Our investigators have discovered a foreign substance in the possession of a detained subject whom we are currently interrogating to ascertain relevant information and determine the potential legalities involved." Maybe that's how a law enforcement officer might speak (at least to the reporters), but the rest of us would probably say, "We got him and he's got drugs and now that he's admitted it, he's headed to jail."
     Check this one out: "At your earliest convenience, my son, relocate from within the residence and begin engaging in pruning activities for the landscaped areas of our immediate natural environment. If not completed in a timely fashion, potential adjustments to your current lifestyle may be implemented. My intentions are not to be taken lightly concerning this". Someone who speaks highly proper English might utter those words but most Southern dads would just say, "Get off your lazy rear end and mow the grass now, big boy, or I'll make you wish you'd never been born. That's not a threat, it's a promise."
     I could go on and on but you would lose patience and interest so I shall return to the whole aforementioned "steady diet" thing that I teased you with at the beginning. When the announcer said "He can expect to be fed a steady diet of wrinkles," he wasn't talking about food. He was alluding to the fact that the baseball player struggled to hit anything but fastballs. Therefore, he should be aware that most if not all of the pitches thrown to him would be curveballs. (This column is designed to be neither educational  nor informative but sometimes it just happens accidentally).
     Quite often, the people in Jesus' time on earth had trouble understanding what he was saying. Despite his ability to explain things in common, everyday terms, they couldn't quite get it. He taught them with examples, relevant stories, and scriptural references that should have all been relatable to his listeners. But many of them were unable to grasp his lingo, which in reality wasn't a lingo as much as it was a love language.
     Scripture says in Mark 12 that there will be those who will see but not perceive; those who will hear but not understand. I think that's especially true in today's world, what with all the chatter, gabble, slang, and gibberish that's out there competing with what God is trying to tell us. I'm guilty of being distracted at times. God's Word is where I can gain true wisdom and understanding. And when it comes to Scripture, I need a clean plow and a steady diet.

     
    
    

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- The Question We All Ask at Some Point

     It's been fifteen or more years ago now, but I still remember it clearly. As I was exiting my 10-year-old son's bedroom that night after evening prayers, he asked me a simple question that halted me dead in my tracks. Back to that question in a moment.

     Had they been asked the same question by my son, two of the most famous and respected men in the world- both who passed away recently, would have given the child radically different answers.

     The earthly lives of Dr. Billy Graham and Dr. Stephen Hawking have both reached their finales. And each had a dramatic impact on the world and will not soon, if ever, be forgotten. As you probably know, Graham was a world famous Christian evangelist and Hawking was an equally famous theoretical physicist. Billy became a pioneer in the world of faith while Stephen was the same in the world of science.

     If they ever met I'm sure they were cordial and respectful to each other, but they had a gentleman's disagreement. One believed in a Divine Creator and an afterlife, while the other believed the world evolved by chance and that death is final.

     Both were revered by millions. Graham inspired the world with his boldness and  his ability to share the Gospel in a loving, gentle but straight-forward manner. Hawking was not only a scientific genius, but inspired the world with his courage in fighting and overcoming many of the disabilities associated with the form of ALS he had suffered since the age of 21.

     Billy lived by faith, Stephen lived by scientific evidence. Billy believed God in Heaven created Earth and loves mankind, while Stephen was certain that  spontaneous creation is why life exists and “science makes God unnecessary”.

     A philosopher in the 17^th century named Pascal put forth the idea that man basically bets his life on whether or not God exists. His philosophy concerning what happens when you die was this: If you refuse to believe and you are correct, you gain nothing. But if you refuse to believe and you are wrong, you lose everything. If you choose to believe and you are wrong, you lose nothing. But if you choose to believe and you are correct, you gain everything. So logically, the only way to gain is to believe.

     I realize there's a whole lot more to it than just believing God exists. The Bible reminds us in James 2:19 that even the demons believe God exists. A Christian puts his faith and trust in the Son of God, Jesus Christ, and accepts the sacrifice He made on the cross to pay for man's sins.

     However, none of the philosophical arguments were on my mind the night my son asked me the question everyone asks- either to themselves or out loud at some point. “Daddy, how do we know whether or not God is really there?”

     I stopped in the doorway, turned around, and made my way back to my son's bedside in the darkened room. As I plopped down on the bed next to him, John 3:8 came to my mind and I asked my son if he had ever seen the wind. When he answered no, I reminded him that even without seeing it, we know it's there because we can see its effects. We see the impact and the power it has. He seemed to appreciate the answer and was fast asleep within minutes. Perhaps Dr. Graham would have given my son a similar answer had he been there by his bedside that night.

     But Stephen Hawking would not have. One of the most brilliant human beings to ever inhabit planet Earth would have explained that the child's life was some sort of cosmic accident. I don't say that to be critical of Dr. Hawking, I have tremendous respect for him. I'm simply saying that the genius man with all the answers may have stumbled when it came to the most important one of all: the meaning of life.

     The skeptic might ask the following question: “How can you believe in God when you have neither seen him, heard him, or touched him”. My reply would be simple: “It's true I've never seen Him, heard Him, or touched Him . . . but I most certainly . . . have experienced Him.”

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- Even a Pain in the Rear Can Be a Blessing

If you've read any of my columns in the past, you already know a few things: 1) Our family has a Chocolate Lab/Plott Hound girl dog who loves everybody and everything except delivery men, vets, squirrels, and Jehovah's Witnesses 2) I have the unique ability to communicate with various sorts of animals by looking into their eyes and reading their minds.
Our dog is named Flash, and she recently celebrated her 8th birthday, which now makes her older than me in dog years- she's 56, I'm 54. I've been teasing her ever since by referring to her as “Old Lady”. Many of you (probably only one or two but who's counting) have asked why I haven't shared any updates lately concerning Flash, who is a beloved character among those of you who read my ramblings- delivery men and Jehovah's Witnesses notwithstanding.
In the past, Flash has experienced an untold variety of negative experiences at the veterinarian's office. So much so that we have had to occasionally switch back and forth between vets due to Flash's Wanted Dead or Alive poster being displayed on the bulletin boards within. Her most traumatic event occurred a few years ago when, after being given a shot and being poked in the rear end with some Star Wars-looking contraption, she chose to perform an anal expression right smack dab in the middle of the examination room. Not to be confused with a bowel movement, a dog's anal expression secretion is like no other thing on planet earth and is hard to describe or make comparisons to.
Incidentally, Flash's anal expression that day maneuvered its way into the floor's heat vent, slivering into the depths of the winding vent passageways. And also incidentally, it was a cold day and the heat was cranked up full blast, which means that within moments, Flash's “expression” aroma was being shared and distributed to everyone in the building. The doctor and her assistants immediately erupted into full blown panic mode while Flash majestically posed, unashamed and quite proud of herself, but not sure what the big deal was.
Once we were back in the car that day, I asked Flash why she had expressed herself in such a manner publicly. With her eyes (remember, I have a gift) she told me, “They got what they deserved what with all that poking and prodding of my private parts. Plus, they kept calling me 'he' and I am most certainly a 'she' despite y'all tricking me into getting fixed a few years back.”
So imagine our concern recently when Mom and I realized it was time to take Flash back to the vet for an update of her shots, immunizations, and humiliating bodily examinations. We chose a different “animal hospital” than the one where the infamous anal expression took place earlier, hoping they hadn't read the wanted posters from neighboring vets.
I'll spare you most of the details but I will tell you that Flash got poked and prodded once again. And like before, she was not a fan of it. Shots don't seem to bother dogs as much as they do humans, but when they pull out the Star Wars instrument necessary for the invasive fecal collecting procedure, that's a totally different ball of wax.
All in all, I thought Flash handled the “discomfort” of the rear end invasion quite well, all things considered. But when we got back in the truck, she exploded with pent up emotions. “How could you let them do that to me?” she cried out with her eyes.” It's painful, humiliating, and is probably illegal in most civilized countries.”
I let her vent for a few minutes, knowing she needed to get it off her furry chest. Then it was my turn. “First of all, old lady, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. You're not the first to have to deal with some pain in that general area. I had a colonoscopy last year. You want some of that? And let's don't even mention all those procedures your mom (my wife) has endured in her lifetime bein's how she's a female who has birthed three babies. Look, I know it hurt you, but it might just save your little canine life at some point.”
Sometimes pain is necessary. The Bible has much to say on the subject. Romans 8:18 reminds us that our present sufferings can't even begin to compare with the future glory that will be revealed in us. Hebrews 12:11 assures us that pain will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. Revelations 21:4 is a promise from God that our tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain. And Jesus himself in John 16:21 compares the pain of a woman giving birth and the joy she feels once the child is born to our pain and how it will turn to joy.
All of which is only partial consolation to poor Flash. All she knows at this point is that her rear end and her feelings are both hurt.
“Okay, I get it,” she says with her eyes, “but don't be surprised if the next time you and Mom drag me to one of those torture chambers, I decide to 'express' myself again”.

WACKY WEDNESDAY WISDOM- I'm Ticked at the Ticker Scroller Thing

     If, in your gluttony for punishment, you've read any of my columns- you know this much already- I don't spell things right at times. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's because I am a moron. Mistakes slip past my pea sized brain, sometimes even when spellcheck highlights them in red on my computer screen. Guilty as charged. I am the master of run-on sentences, improper grammar, and the invention words to suit my own devices at times. If I were a budding journalist, syndicated columnist, or beat reporter, my proverbial ship would be sunk.
     Or maybe not.
     I have noticed lately that there seems to be an epidemic spreading in printed new items- they are full of mistakes. I'm not referring to the factual ones (that's a problem as well) but rather the mistakes in sentence structure, grammar, and subject-verb agreement. That sorta thing. I have a theory about that which I will share in a moment. These mistakes appear in many shapes and sizes and though I'm nobody's English teacher, I am able like most common folks to spot them because they stand out like a donkey in the Kentucky Derby.  Take for example, how often words are misspelled in those little ticker scroller captions on news channels that run across the bottom of the television screen while the anchor/reporter above is yapping about the story. Some poor copy person is sitting at a computer trying to type in those highlights within seconds of the news breaking. And the spelling is often atrocious. (Incidentally, I spelled atrocious just now without the red underline warning from my computer spellcheck).
     It seems to me that most folks get their news with their thumbs these days. News items pop up on our phones from Google, Yahoo, Flipboard, Fox, CNN , etc. 24 hours a day. And we the want-to-know-it-all- now public read the news almost as it happens. But English teachers across the globe are regurgitating when they read some of these items, not because the news makes them sick, but the spelling and grammatical errors do. (I wanted to say that English teachers vomit or throw up, but that sounded a little harsh, so I used a fine professional word like regurgitate, which I also spelled correctly on my first try).
     Consider, if you will, a headline I witnessed recently while thumbing through sports news on my phone after the most recent UNC-Duke basketball game- DUKE VS. NORTH CAROLINA SCORE: BLUE DEVILS STORM BACK IN THE SECOND HALF TO TOP THE BLUE DEVILS. (Read that again if you didn't catch the error the first time). Let me set the record straight before good and decent folks commence to commenting and taking shots at each other based on which color of blue they pull for. My intention is not to make any type of statement regarding the quality of either basketball program compared to the other. I'm simply pointing out an obvious headline faux pas.
     Whoever typed the headline obviously: 1) was intoxicated 2) did not have a proof reader 3) has a bad sense of humor 4) was picked last in gym class 5) had to go potty 6) was having a bad hair day or most likely of all, 7) was in a hurry.
     There exists in life a phenomena known as the fog of war. It's an expression indicating that most of the time in an intense situation, the first information that gets out is later proved to be inaccurate. I can personally think of three instances from the past right off the bat- none of which are funny, but do help to make the point:

1)Back in 1991, on the night the Persian Gulf War officially began, Dan Rather of CBS News came on the air and said to me in my living room- "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the Middle Eastern War has begun". A few minutes later he referred to it as the Gulf War, and by the end of the night, he was calling it the Persian Gulf War. At no time since has anyone ever acknowledged that he or anybody else initially referred to it as the Middle Eastern War, but I know I heard him say it. I actually taped it, believe it or not, and on the old VHS label of the tape, at the time I wrote- "The Beginning of the Middle Eastern War."

2) In the wacky presidential election of 2000, we all held our breath when the Supreme Court met on a mid December evening to decide who had actually won the election. NBC reporter Dan Abrams came running out of the courthouse with a document in hand and quickly attempted to interpret it on live television. One of his first sentences was: "It's going back to Florida. They're sending it back to Florida and they will have to decide themselves who won and who lost." Immediately the little ticker scroller thing across the bottom of the screen read: "It's going back to Florida." But it was not going back to Florida. (It kinda sorta did go back to Florida but it was a technicality. The deal was done). I never heard any more about that initial inaccurate report.

3) My family watched anxiously as the breaking news of Lady Diana's car accident began to appear on our television that late August 1997 evening. We were temporarily relieved to hear a reporter say that her shoulder had been injured in the accident and she was being treated at the hospital. Oh how we wished that was true a few minutes later when he broke back in and said her condition was grave and that she wasn't expected to live.

     I promised I would share my theory on all this so here it is: People are in too big of a hurry. Getting news out quickly has become more important than getting it out accurately. And we the news consumers are equally to blame. We want to know everything about everything as soon as it happens. Forget accuracy, forget due process, forget the fog of war, forget discretion, forget proofreading and grammar. We want to know and we want to know now!
     The Bible doesn't say much about proper grammar but it does have something to say about being patient and not being in too big of a hurry. Psalm 46:10 reminds us to "Be still, and know that I am God." Romans 8:25, Isaiah 40:31, and James 5:7 are just of few of the many verses that extol the virtue of patience as opposed to haste. A lesson all of us including me could use some reminding about occasionally.
     Now please excuse me while I finish reading my phone. It just now beeped to let me know my favorite team scored a basket. Hold on, it was the other team that scored. Darn those typos.